Heather and I didn't do premarital counseling. Not really. We did one session with a pastor, signed a card, and started planning the rehearsal dinner.
I don't think that was the pastor's fault. I think we were in that particular version of love where you know everything is going to work out fine, and you've already decided that anything that might suggest otherwise is probably not relevant to your specific situation.
We were wrong. Not catastrophically, not at first — but wrong in all the ordinary ways that couples discover slowly, in the second year or the fifth year or the tenth, when the things you didn't talk about before you got married become the things you have to talk about now, at 11pm, when you're tired and someone has already lost the argument before it started.
Tend: Before the Wedding is a workbook for engaged couples. It's organized around five conversations — not the conversations most premarital programs focus on, but the ones that actually predict whether a marriage will hold.
What do you believe about conflict? About money, not just as logistics, but as meaning — what money means to each of you, what it represents, what it threatens? About how you each received (or didn't receive) love growing up? About what you expect from a spouse, and whether you've ever said those expectations out loud to anyone?
These aren't trick questions. They're just the ones most couples don't get to until they're already married and something has broken.
The workbook is honest about what it is. It's not a curriculum. It's not therapy. It's not a guarantee. It's a set of prompts designed to give two people the chance to actually know each other before they stand up in front of their families and say I do.
Heather read the early draft. She said, "I wish we'd had this." That's about as good an endorsement as I know how to ask for.
The print version is going to be available through theaisle.app this fall. We're bringing copies to The Aisle bridal expo on October 18. If you're engaged, or you know someone who is, that's where to get it first.
For couples going through it with a pastor or counselor: there's a facilitator version with discussion guides included.
Tend: Before the Wedding is forthcoming. More at tendmarriage.com.
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