I've been silent for six months. No facebook scrolling. No calls or texts. Just withdrew. Disappeared. And missed people the whole time. I wanted to reconnect. I had a community, a network. I didn't want to lose that, but I felt like I had.
I walk up and down Littlejohn Road in Pleasant Valley a few times a day. I walk past farms and gardens and fences and houses. Things people have that I had, that I built, or that I was planning to build. There's still hard feelings about that. Heather and I talk about it when we walk.
I would avoid looking at the farms and gardens. Then I would look at them anyway.
Little John Road at dusk
Southern Legends was conceived as a "top of the funnel" strategy for Headley Web. Giving free value for business owners, hoping the goodwill would help me find clients.
But something was blocking me. Writing about business owners that were succeeding while I had failed. The comparison and jealousy were too hard. So I kind of pocketed the idea. Decided I'd do cold calling first instead.
No baggage with people who didn't know me. Easy, right?
Getting hung up on sucks.
After a few days of rejection, I started asking for referrals.
Texted 50 friends, “hey its matt, hope you’re doing well! I’m stable now and doing web design. You know anybody?”
It was hard and scary. But it pulled me out.
I began to wonder if building a business could be good for my mental/emotional health.
After the texts, I finally started to feel ready to write. I reached out to Samuel and Jean. After writing and sharing them, people read and commented, and that felt really good. I needed some wins. This was a way to get them before I had any clients. It felt like I was getting connected again and had something to talk about.
I don't have a pulpit anymore. But I still needed a place to process publicly. The pulpit used to be that, but it was limited. Now I write freely.
I've kept wondering, though: does an honest, messy journal belong here? On a site I built to profile local business owners? Would it damage my credibility for getting business?
Why do I need to publish this? Why isn't a private journal good enough?
I posted anyway.
The tension remains. Some clients might be turned off by this history. Bipolar. Hospitalization. Business failure. Maybe clients that aren't comfortable with that stuff aren't the best clients anyway.
Maybe being broken is what makes the profiles work.
Maybe it's what makes me good.
Both the journal and the profiles, on the same domain. Holding opposing things together.
